Some of you may wonder why I am doing these blogs. Why do I not just keep things private? I believe that by sharing our struggles, you can help others and others can help you. We are not meant to travel through this life alone.
The past few weeks, life has been pretty overwhelming with lots of highs and lows. But overall lately I have been feeling discouraged as to what the future holds for me. It has left me pondering a number of things, mainly the struggles I have already been through and what can I do to better equip myself for what is to come.
If you had of spoken to me before September last year I would have told you that I had already had the trial of my life and that nothing could be worse then that. Sitting here writing this I realise that that trial was to equip me to survive this trial. But this one is going to be the trial of my life. A constant battle each day to sink or swim, to choose fear or faith.
Back in 2013 to 2015 I battled serve anxiety. It all started while my husband and I were travelling around Europe in a campervan for 7 months. About 3 months into it I started having these overwhelming feelings, that my breathing did not feel quit right, I did not feel right, but I did not know what exactly was triggering these feelings. I know I had a lot going on in my head. Back home my family was struggling with massive changes. Mum had recently gone into full time care so each member of my family was dealing with the emotional grief that came with that; and I was on the other side of the world. I tried to ignore these overwhelming feelings but it all built up overtime.
Upon returning home at the end of 2013 it became very obvious that I was struggling with anxiety. I did not like driving by myself, going to shops by myself or going out just in general. I felt anxious enough just being at home, I could not even walk down the driveway by myself.
But I knew I could not stay where I was, I had a life to live. So I started seeing a counsellor, surrounded myself with supportive people and put all my trust in the only person I knew could get my through it, Jesus. And when I say all my trust, I mean ALL MY TRUST. One small step at a time I got braver and braver. There were heaps and heaps of tears while I confronted each challenge one at a time. Some people watching me struggle said they were not seeing any progress so I started writing a list of each thing that I conquered (pic below). This showed me that I was making progress and they had it wrong. But even after I did these things once, I still had to find the courage to do them again and again.
Even now when I am feeling overwhelmed and disheartened I need to watch that my mind is not falling back into that old way of thinking. I still come to the same conclusions for this struggle as I did with the other.
Tonight at the gym while listening to iTunes I discovered a new song that hit me straight in the heart. Now I’m a lyrics person, I love songs where I can relate to the words. This song is called Beautiful Eulogy by Beautiful Eulogy (Youtube video below). Now part of the second verse really resonates with me. These lyrics remind me that I still have hope.
How sweet the Gospel sounds to ears like mine
Well acquainted with pain…
And He still hasn't wiped away all my tears yet
My cheeks get wet every now and then
Even when I give my best, I know I fall short
I get scared when the ball's in my court
Focused on my performance, wretched and poor
It makes the message more real when I preach it
I'm not there yet so I'm reaching, reaching for a goal:
To stand before my King and be speechless
Then, never again will I question if His grace is sufficient to cover my sin
Cause death is gone, and all the effects of evil and wrong
Will be conquered when His Kingdom comes
So this is my hope and my prayer
The air that I'll breathe in eternity with lungs that never fail me
If it pleases my Lord, and only by Your grace
Use my life 'til it's poured out for Your sake
Until then I'll remain where You have me
With joy when I feel unhappy
And a peace that surpasses all my understanding
My life is in the hands of Your love everlasting
I have also been reading a book (Through the Eyes of a Lion by Levi Lusko) and listening to a few podcasts and I am reminded that God wants to bring a message out of my mess, as He does with everyone. God gives His most difficult assignments to his most trusted soldiers and it is an incredible honour to be trusted with this pain.
Because of Jesus, we have hope. And because of hope, even in the mist of the worst storms of life, we have an anchor for our souls.
In The Hunger Games, President Snow said hope is the only thing more powerful than fear.
I choose hope!